if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I did not marry a roomba.
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