Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
