He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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