Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
