I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
