Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
