I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Define "chronic" masturbator.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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