i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
