someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
