I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
