He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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