Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
