i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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