I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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