dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
