She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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