I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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