we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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