Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
