I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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