How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
