before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
