What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
