I think my fart just growled at me.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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