I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
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