I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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