I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
