She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
