I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
