I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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