i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
