Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
