God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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