why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
