Screwed.edu
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
the raccoons are back...
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