Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
