Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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