i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
