Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
