God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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