mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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