Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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