Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
