My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
