i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
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