Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
