Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
