My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
