Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
