I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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