Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
