i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
