maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
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There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
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When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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