Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
