We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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