My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
