when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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