Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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