and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
