Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
